Since my minor (major) freak out last week, I have come to a few conclusions. I have decided that I am officially tired of stressing out and allowing the future to terrify me.
My roommate can’t stop talking about how excited she is to graduate, and she’s got a point. I have spent the majority of my life in the world of academia, and for the first time, I have absolutely no school on the horizon. No summer reading, no new classes and teachers to wonder about over summer vacation. I think the root of all my fears stem from this lack of anything concrete or certain in my future. For a brief time, I considered going to grad school in New York or some far-off place—until I remembered that I am seriously burned out on school for the moment, and no longer have any particular desire to take classes or write papers or have busywork and projects forever looming over my head. This does not mean that I am done learning or that I’ll stop writing or reading, it’s just that for once, the hours I devoted to writing research papers and attempting to understand academic trade articles can be mine to spend however I please. I can again read the cheesy fictional books I used to love, and I can write and sketch and not feel guilty for putting off homework to do these things that make me l happy instead of my teachers.
Therefore, I am hereby determined to confront my unknown future not with trepidation, but with excitement and anticipation, armed with the knowledge that the course of my life is ultimately not up to me. In the meantime, I want to live fully present in every moment, and enjoy this home in this state that has been mine for the past four years: the places that I have come to love and make regular haunts, this little house in which I have taken refuge after every wonderful and awful day, and these people who I will always love and never forget. I want to live with the hope that I can gather all the beautiful memories of my college experience and blend them into whatever future places I will call home. I know the essence of these years will be with me always, because Texas has given friends and sisters and soul mates, and it is here that I met people that I would do anything for, and who taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could learn. It is here as well that I found out I could love more fiercely than I ever thought possible.
This took a turn for the sappy, and I’m sure there’s much more of that to come, but for now here’s to learning and loving and striving to never take a moment for granted in these last few weeks of my collegiate experience.